say bye bye, tyra

America's Next Top Model has lost that special, guilty place in my heart.

What in the name of baby Jesus has happened to this show? The marathons used to nurse me through all-day hangovers, but last night I realized that Season 357 is finally suffering from the cinematic sequel syndrome...just don't bother. Unless it's Batman, Lethal Weapon, or Beverly Hills Cop*, it's going to suck and make me wish I'd spend that $8.50 for my ticket on an ice pick to drive through my skull.

*Obligatory exceptions so Brian doesn't disown me.

I'd stumbled upon a short clip criticizing this season's premiere episode of ANTM, but the clip was from an equally horrific show—apparently Topanga has needled her way onto the Style network (really? is this a step up from Nutrisystem ads?), thus making "The Dish" one drop shy of Chinese water torture. But, I have to give her credit for giving me fair warning about Tyra's fall from grace....any season premiere that starts out with an overplayed futuristic Tyra-is-a-robot-get-it?-ha-ha scene is on its way to being blackballed by...well...me.

The episode was packed with cliches, pathetic metaphors, and melodramatic deliveries from the judges and Miss Thang herself. Tyra has also lost total control of her vocabulary, and now prefers to speak in incoherent jive. Her critique of one model's picture: "You look like you sayin', 'I'm about to toot my booty up!'" There are no words.

While I mourn the loss of the one role model I had left now that Paris is finding a new BFF, can someone please try to figure out how I'm going to find another show that makes me feel as ugly and fat as this one did?